705: he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
803: Apparently our downstairs neighbours don’t much appreciate it when we do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday…
321: Why do you have to go to the hospital?
407: I gotta apologize to a male nurse who’s tryin to press assault charges on me
847: I’m surrounded by too many unhungover people.
928: If this party got busted it would be an improvement
352: i’m pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
813: I’m surprised you like me… I didn’t think I was your type.
1-813: Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
540: The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
585: I don’t even want to talk about it, I’m traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated guy at the party…
217: he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.