512: I’m going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he’ll eat anyone. I’m very excited.
570: I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
775: He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think that’s how he keeps count.
720: Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
740: his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone’s ass
661: When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot… It completely ruined the experience
201: It’s like… Even our horoscopes know we had an awkward threesome last night.
775: New girl at work just game me a paracetamol for my headache. Officially best friends
904: UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
775: You convinced me to take shots of jack Daniels through my eyes!!