402: There arew tilmes ina man’s life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man’s lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
312: Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
360: She made me a “booty call of the year” award.
209: It’s going to be amazeballs. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won’t be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
902: I want to show up to tomorrow’s study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
229: I’ve lost all respect for women since I joined this bachelor party.
707: I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a girlfriend.
415: I’ve just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
570: Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
347: I’m praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I’m not pregnant